I was mid-stretch, trying to get into pigeon pose, when my leg got stuck. My thighs are so thick, I couldn’t even push it down. I laughed, joking to myself that I needed to work on getting a “boot booty. ” The chat was full of encouragement.
I shifted on the mat, trying to find the position. “Wait, is this left? Okay, I think I got it. ” It was a clumsy attempt at flipping the camera around.
I finally got it right. I started talking to the viewers, trying to keep things light. “You know, pigeon actually tastes kind of good. They eat it in Macau.
When I can’t get duck, it’s a good substitute. A little bony, though. ” The memory washed over me. “I used to eat pigeon with my dad all the time.
It’s like a cheaper version of a Cornish hen. But my mom makes a mean Cornish hen. ”
That got me thinking about my parents. It’s funny.
People say you inherit your talents from your mother. My mom is an amazing cook, but I didn’t get that gene. I’ve had years of cooking lessons and still can’t match her. Maybe I’ll work on it.
I shifted into a half split, feeling the pull in my hip flexor. It was tight. “When I was in LA, I was working out consistently and could do a full split,” I said, “but I can’t say that right now. ” I let out a breath.
“This is painful. ”
We talked in the chat for a bit, and I saw people making friends with each other. It brought a smile to my face. I was reminded of how much I used to be obsessed with my weight.
I remember weighing 500 lbs at one point. That’s the same weight as a horse. “Honestly, now I focus more on my well-being and how I feel. Eventually, the results will come with that.
” It’s a different mindset. I try to eat well, treat my mind well, and spread good energy. Usually, my body follows. I moved into the next stretch, calling it the “pretzel.
” It looked crazy. “What the heck is a pretzel? ” I laughed. Someone in the chat said that activity is good.
I nodded. “Yeah, whatever activity you can manage. ” It’s true, especially now. “Now that my dad’s done with brain surgery, we mostly push him in a wheelchair.
But he walks the hallway as best as he can. My mom holds him too. ”
I felt my throat tighten a little. “You know how I learned my determination to never give up?
I learned it from my dad. Even though his cancer is the toughest out there—glioblastoma—he says, ‘I’m going to recover. I’m going to do amazing. I’m going to do the best I can to get healthy.
‘”
My voice softened. “My love for my family, who I am… that’s because of what my dad taught me. He taught me to never give up, to try your best, and to never give in.
” I paused, being real with the chat. “Sometimes I’m sad. Sometimes I’m depressed. But you can’t let that overrule you when you have goals.
”
Looking into the camera, I said, “Although I’m not exactly where I want to be, that’s why I want to push myself even harder. If I can inspire you guys to do the same, no matter your goals, that makes me really happy. I just want to live my life in his honor. ”
I mentioned that some of them had met my dad during the New Year’s stream.
He was really cute, we were dancing together. “If he gets better and we reach 1,000 cranes, I’ll show him all the pictures you guys folded. I’ll print them out and post them in his room. ”
I shifted the conversation back to my mom for a moment.
She’s amazing too. I just get my physical determination from my dad. “My mom was a ballerina,” I admitted, “but I low-key failed ballet. ” The laughter returned to my voice.
“They said my body type wasn’t thin or narrow. I’m curvy. Like, my body goes like this. ”
I recalled the moment my mom brought me to her Russian ballet teacher.
The teacher took one look at me and said, “Nah. This girl ain’t cut out for it. ”
“That sucked,” I said, “but you know, when one door closes, another door opens. Hopefully, it’s not a window.
” It was something my grandma used to say. I laughed, joking about medieval times when people would just push you out of a window if they were sick of you. “Defenestration,” I snickered. “In game, in game.
Assassin’s Creed. ”
I got back to the serious point. “Women are supposed to have curves. But for ballet, it helps to be super narrow.
” It wasn’t meant to be. I found my path elsewhere. I looked at the chat traffic and felt a wave of gratitude. “Honestly, it’s not just my own self-motivation.
It’s because of you. Without you, I honestly would have broken down a long time ago. ”
I meant every word. “It’s part your own determination, but it’s also the community you keep around you.
I hope you find positive vibes in this community, and I can support you guys as best as I can. ” I admitted the channel might be small, but my heart and wishes for them are real. I want them to succeed in whatever they do. I glanced over at a small stuffed horse, did a bit, and threw it to the ground.
It was a little aside, an attempt to avoid getting back to stretching. The chat knew I was joking. I promised to stretch more. I mentioned my dad again.
He isn’t perfect, either. “But it’s important to appreciate the people in your life. ”
I switched gears, asking the chat if they’d want to see me play a game on stream. I mentioned wanting to get into gaming more, maybe play Resident Evil or Silent Hill.
“I don’t have the stamina for that yet, though,” I confessed. Then I shared some exciting news. “Assuming everything goes well, my dad still wants to send me to horse camp in France for spring break. I’d be going to Le Mans, maybe.
”
I explained how lucky I was. “I don’t have to pay for accommodation since I live in France. I stream for you guys late at night, but during the day, I work cleaning and preparing the horses. I’m basically a groom—a horse nanny.
”
I told them about the ponies I took care of last year. “One was named Mississippi. She was an Irish cob, black and white. She looked like a cow, low-key.
” I laughed, hoping I wasn’t insulting her. “And the other one was Edelweiss, named after the flower popular in Austria. ”
I sang a little tune, then had my horse toy, Edelweiss, dramatically fall out of a “window. ” “I defenestrated my horse,” I laughed.
“Watch out! ”
The chat was having a great time. We talked about Auntie Anne’s pretzels, a family favorite. The mood in the room was light and warm.
“This makes me miss working out,” I said, reflecting on my friends like Breya from Ma Vie GX. I wanted to help everyone hit their fitness goals, whether that’s walking more every day, standing up more, or running. “Go for it,” I encouraged them. “I’m inspired by you guys.
”
The stretching was killing me, but the conversation made it worth it.
